Variety Bust
by dai-dai
Summary: The chaos begins as Ranma & Akane start a Variety show...


WELCOME TO THE RANMA/AKANE VARIETY HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: And now, the hosts of the show, Saotome Ranma and Tendo Akane!

(Silence)

Announcer: … Saotome Ranma and Tendo Akane!

Director: …Let's get a camera back there.  Follow me.

(Backstage)

Akane: Can someone please explain to me why this bozo has top billing?!

Ranma: Because nothing remotely interesting happened to you until I came along. (Preening)  _I'm_ the reason you're a star.

Akane: I'll give you stars, alright!

BAMM!!

(Ranma is seen writhing on the floor, a director's chair lodged in his head.)  
  


Akane: Thanks, I needed…

(Akane shrinks back as the director looms up, another chair slung over her shoulder)

Director (softly): Why do you do this to me?

Akane: …

Director: **EVERY DAY YOU DO THIS, AKANE!  EVERY DAY! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?!  BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU'RE DOING A FINE JOB!!!**

Akane: But, Boss…

Director: **NO BUTS!  JUST GO OUT THERE AND DO YOUR JOB!!!!**

(Akane walks out, dragging Ranma behind her.)

Akane: Sorry for the delay, folks!  And now, business management with my sis, Nabiki!

Nabiki: Thanks!  First off, find an idio- I mean customer.  Hey, Kuno-baby!

Kuno: Yes?

Nabiki: Next, give him an offer he can't refuse.  Hey Kuno, I got some more pictures of your pig-tailed girl for 3000 yen. Want 'em?

Kuno: _Of course I do!! Gimme!_

Nabiki: Then, just for fun, ask him something incredibly personal.  Say Kuno, what _do_ you do with those pictures?

Kuno (blushing and running off): Gotta go!

Nabiki: See you guys later. (running after Kuno) Come on babe, you can tell me!

Akane (sweatdrop): Right…

Ranma: Anyway… Not only are these next girls drop-dead gorgeous, they're also masters of the kitchen. Introducing Kasumi, Shampoo, and Ukyo!

Ukyo: Welcome! Today I'm going to show you how to make heart-shaped Okonomiyaki. (waves at Ranma)

Ranma: …

Shampoo: Why you wave at my Ranma?  Anyway, it my turn.

Ukyo: Whoa, _your_ Ranma? I traded turns with you so you could glomp _my_ Ranma!

Kasumi: Girls, please stop, he's just a boy…

Ukyo and Shampoo: **_STAY OUTTA THIS!!!!_**

Shampoo: What you know about men? You no have man!

Ukyo: Unless you count that nerd Tofu.

(Shampoo and Ukyo laugh; Kasumi's eyes glaze over)

Akane: Kasumi is getting mad.

Ranma: So what?  She's not gonna do anything.

Kasumi: _HAII!!!!_

(Ranma and Akane watch as Kasumi beats up the two girls)

Akane: I thought you said she wouldn't do anything.

Ranma: I guess they struck a nerve…

(Kasumi walks by, dragging the two girls behind her.)

Kasumi: If anyone wants me, I'll be at the hospital.

Akane (coughs): Well, to continue…Kuno's Love Connection will not be shown tonight…

Ranma: …because he is being chased by a blackmailing, conniving, evil woman who is even more ugly than her little sister…

**SPLASH!!!!**

Girl Ranma (sputtering): What didya do that for?

Akane: It's time for our segment.

Ranma: Hmmp.  And now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

Ranma and Akane: **_ANYTHING GOES JELLO WRESTLING!!!!_**

Director: **WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!**

Akane (thinking): I can't believe I'm going along with this…

Director: This isn't in the script. **THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!!!**

Referee: The rules: hair-pulling, scratching, and fondling are A-OK!!  Right, guys?

Lecherous Crowd: _YEAH!!!!!_

Akane: I _really_ can't believe I'm going along with this…

Ranma: Relax, Akane, it's all about ratings.

Referee: ASSUME THE POSSITTION!

(Akane and Ranma squat)

Referee: READY!

(Akane and Ranma circle each other)

Referee: FI…

Director:  **HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!**

(Everyone freezes at the director looms up, carrying a script and looking menacing)

Director: **WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! DO I PAY YOU TOO MUCH?! ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO RUIN MY CAREER?!?!?!?**

(Akane and Ranma look at each other, nod, and grab the director)

Director: **WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU DO…**

(Ranko and Akane dump the director in the jello)

Director: **YOU TWO ARE _SO_ FIRED!!!**

Akane (to Ranma): Don't you think this a bad way to end _every_ show?

Ranma: Ya gotta give the people what they want, babe.

Akane and Ranma: SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK!!!!!

(fade to black)


End file.
